


Take all the Time you need

by Brain_Brainson



Series: Real Names, Fake Names, Chosen Names [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Dysphoria, Gen, kinda follow up to the end of season two, like always nb Five, not a lot but it's discussed, this is kinda an interlude
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 18:25:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17944829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brain_Brainson/pseuds/Brain_Brainson
Summary: Turns out, travelling back in time with your 5 siblings and your ghost brother is really fucking draining.





	Take all the Time you need

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again!  
> This is a follow up to the first installment of the Names series and tbh, it's mostly an Interlude with me setting some things up? Idk man, I just wanted to write something and it turned out way longer than expected. I regret nothing.
> 
> Tell me if you need anything tagged, I am bad at that and as always: Enjoy reading!

There’s blood dripping onto their hand. It hits the back of it, enough to slide down their thumb and fall onto the ground. Looking down, there’s already a little puddle forming and it hits Five that maybe that’s not a good thing. 

“Huh,” Five says, before they blackout.  


 

* * *

 

 

Turns out, travelling back in time with your 5 siblings and your ghost brother is really fucking draining. Especially when you’re stuck in your 13-year old body that can’t even take a blow without collapsing.

That’s why Five wakes up on a bed, aching all over, with 5 familiar faces watching them. For a painful moment they think they are home -  _ really _ home - but then there’s an elbows digging into their side and when they raise their hands, there’s dried blood on them. 

“I take it you’ve all been transformed back to kids then?” Five leans on their elbows, intend on pushing past everyone gathered around them like they are an exotic animal in a zoo or whatever, but that’s harder than they thought. They nearly collapse, save for the hand that’s being slung around their torso. 

When they look up, they do a double-take when Ben is smiling at them. Five blinks. “Congratulations on being alive, I guess.”

"Gee, thanks a lot. Please don’t start crying out of joy.” Five forgot how fucking snarky Ben used to be, with all the remembering him fondly shit but it’s refreshing. They grin up at him before Luther cuts in. 

“So how do we go about this whole saving the world thing?” He’s standing on the other side of the bed, the only one there. Looking at him, Five notices that the offending elbow belongs to Vanya, now digging into their thigh. They also seem to be in her old room, judging on the drawing of a clef on the wall next to her. 

Five remembers that actually, Grace had helped Vanya make it. She drew the outline of it while Vanya coloured the whole thing.

Dad scolded Vanya at the dinner table later because her hands had black spots all over them. Five had thought it was funny to point them out. 

They probably never had been the best sibling. 

But there was no use dwelling on the past, not when changing the future is a way more pressing matter. So Five only takes her hand and gently lays it on her stomach and then starts another attempt at getting up. Ben supports them and with some difficulty Five finally stands. 

They look at all the blood again. “I need to wash my hands.”

 

“Dude you should also go for your face while you’re at it,” Klaus quibs. Five ignores the uncomfortable surge in their stomach and leans heavily on Ben. 

“You may accompany me to the bathroom, brother dearest.”

Ben snorts but helps Five move out of the room, one shaky foot in front of the other. Behind them, he can hear a soft _ thump _ and a whispered “Don’t call Five Dude!” 

They suppose its Allison, trying to defend their honour. It makes them only feel worse, thinking back to their conversation. Seems light years away now, and sure as hell shouldn’t be important right at the moment. 

Sadly it still means a whole lot to Five.

They make it a point to look in the mirror this time, check for damage. The “shit” is out of their mouth before they can really think. There’s dried blood all over their mouth and chin and some of it is smeared onto their left cheek. “Looks like I had a hell of a nosebleed.”

“You looked really bad. Like,  _ really _ bad. Apart from all the blood, you were white as a ghost and Diego had to catch you when you fainted. Eyes rolling back and all.”

“Thank you, Ben, for this helpful description.” Five prods at their nose for a moment but it doesn’t seem broken. The travel through time was simply too much for his blood vessels. Soothing. 

Ben hums before gently pushing Five onto the edge of the bathtub. It digs into the back of Five’s legs painfully but their body is still hurting all over, so there’s no real use in arguing. 

They watch as Ben wets a towle and turns towards them. 

Five doesn’t say anything when Ben starts touching their face with the towel and soon enough Ben is rubbing at the blood and holding Five’s chin to keep them still. Five feels a bit like a little kid that got into their first real fight, but crossing their arms in defiance would only make the picture even more complete, so they grip hard onto the edge of the bathtub instead. 

They can’t stop the sarcastic comment though. 

“You know, I haven’t broken my arms or anything, ghost boy.”

Ben has moved on to thoroughly cleaning their hands. He shrugs. “It’s nice being able to touch people again, I guess. Even when they are being little shits about it.” He stands back and looks Five up and down. “Done.”

Five is about to demand help in getting up when Ben says: “Besides, I know how you feel about mirrors.” and Five ends up staring at him instead. Ben avoids his look. “I’ve been around ya know? I heard Diego and Klaus talking about you. And it’s not like you stared at mirrors a lot before.” He wipes his hands on his jeans, watching something just left of Five’s face. Five still only stares at him, tilting their head up slightly. 

Ben has just a few centimeters on Five, they are nearly the same height even with Five sitting down. Ben used to tease Five about that, calling him tiny even though Vanya was the smallest one of them all by far. ‘ _ At least I continued growing past the age of 16’ _ is what Five doesn’t say. Maybe they should talk about that now that Ben is alive. Still alive? Alive again?  


But then Allison knocks on the door and asks how they are doing and Ben helps him stand up and the moment is gone.

 

* * *

 

Five has long gotten used to this body but it’s definitely new for the others. 

Allison keeps touching her throat, drawing an invisible line across her skin and when she speaks she’s always smiling wildly. Luther still thinks he is bigger than he actually is and draws his head in everytime he walks through a door, like he’d hit his head otherwise. Five doesn’t comment that Luther couldn’t touch the doorframe even if he were to stand on his tiptoes. 

Klaus seems to be mesmerized by his current body. When Five sneaks him glances, Klaus is nearly always looking at his arms, staring at the cook of his elbow in wonder. Five suspects it’s the first time in a long while that Klaus is somewhat sober. At least he seems to be. Five doesn’t actually remember when he started getting high to make life a bit more bearable. Ben is probably a big help with that. He seems ecstatic to have back his body, touching everything he can get his hands on. He hits the walls with his hands while walking, touches every single book on the shelf in the living room, keeps slinging his arms around whoever is closest and can’t stop laughing.  


The only one who doesn’t seem content with this ‘second chance’ - how Luther called it, all business, like his squeaky voice still would compel anyone. That didn’t even work when he was an adult, much less now - is Diego.

He’s gone right back to how he used to be as a kid, only ten times worse. He constantly shrinks in on himself, like he wants to disappear and he absolutely refuses to talk, not even to Grace, who took one look at them all gathered in Vanya’s room when Ben was busy cleaning Five up, and announced that she would make them some cookies, smiling.  


 

So far, no one seems to wonder why the children behave oddly, or that they even do. But Five can’t know for sure because they’re in Vanya’s room most of the time, pretending to still be stuck in the future and vanished until further notice. It seemed to make the most sense, no one wanting to draw any unnecessary attention and in this timeline Five is missing since one week already.  


Plus, someone needs to watch over Vanya, who finally woke up after what felt like forever but probably only entailed about two days, and seems hellbound on pretending that nothing out of the ordinary happened. 

 

Luther seems to have taken it upon himself to watch over Vanya after the shit that went down, bringing her food and holding her hand while she was unconscious. He probably also would’ve slept in her room, hadn’t Five helpfully pointed out that they needed to stay somewhere that wasn’t their 'needs-to-remain-untouched-because-I’m-missing-remember?' room. And Five also may have threatened to kick his ass if Luther wouldn’t budge and leave both them and Vanya in peace for at least the nights. 

It was hard enough trying to explain to Vanya why they were kids again without mentioning that she caused the fucking apocalypse, Five really didn’t need Luther standing in the background, radiating Guilt. 

And to top it all of, Five also has to deal with Allison and Klaus and their repeated attempts at having  _ talks _ with them. Diego also keeps shooting them looks but his desire to remain mute is stronger than his curiosity about the whole name thing it seems. 

Five wish Allison and Klaus would have similar problems but no, Allison is glad to talk now that she can and it’s not like Klaus was ever anything else but a fucking chatterbox. Five is glad that they never really leave Vanya’s side at the moment because Allison’s worry over her is one of the few things stronger than her worry over them and Klaus knows better than to annoy them in front of so many people (Five supposes Ben also plays a big part in keeping Klaus out of Five’s business and Five is eternally grateful for that. There is a reason why Ben has always been their favourite brother). 

So Five lives their post-apocalypse turned pre-apocalypse life, feeling like it is more of a kid detective movie with all these adult-turned-kids sneaking around than an actual thing happening at the moment and to be honest, going back in time doesn’t really feel like trying to solve the apocalypse.

It feels a whole lot more like running away from it. 

And Five has no idea what to do now that they’re here. 

* * *

When Five has some Vanya free time, they usually lounge around in the attic because hey, judging by the dust collecting there, no living soul has been there for a long time. Safe zone for a person who’s technically not supposed to exist at the moment. 

Thinking about time lately only results in headaches. There are questions lurking in the back of Five’s mind, questions they haven’t voiced yet to any of their siblings, partly because they probably won’t know the answer anyway and partly because if Five is being honest with themselves they don’t like thinking about them. 

They are there all the same, tormenting Five whenever they get a moment to themselves.

_ ‘What happened to the kid versions of us that were originally here? Did they just vanish when we arrived? If so, where did they go to? Will we have to live here now, growing up again? Is that the only way to prevent the apocalypse, watching over Vanya while she grows up? When should we tell her about her powers?’ _

Vanya doesn’t know about anything that happened past Five showing up and proclaiming the apocalypse would come, like a fucking harbinger of death.  

“It’s just all black after that,” she told them when Five asked, munching away on a marshmallow sandwich Luther had brought her and looking way too young and innocent for someone who in the future would be the cause of death for millions of people, including Five. 

Though Five supposes that once the apocalypse is close again, nipping at their heels like a hungry wolf, they could just go back in time  _ again _ , trying yet another approach at preventing what more and more seems like the inevitable.

_‘Well I found my purpose it seems,’_ they think and they would laugh about that if it wasn't so fucked up. Five looks out at the streets below them, at the people passing by, only a few because it’s already evening and soon it will be too dark and too cold to sit on the windowsill in the attic and wonder about the morbidity of life. 

Sometimes, Five thinks about the obvious solution, the one thing that would guarantee the survival of mankind, but they usually try really hard  _ not _ to entertain the thought, not when they have gotten used to falling asleep with Vanya’s soft breathing in their ear and have seen they way she smiles at them when Five compliments her playing the violin. They remember how they never did that before, not even once, even though Vanya and them had been somewhat close before their ego had earned them years of solitude and slowly slipping into complete and utter madness. 

Five believes that Luther has the same idea from time to time, when he stares at Vanya doing whatever, and his eyes get that far away look. It would be easy for Luther, even in his old body he’d always been ridiculously strong. 

Usually, Luther comes to after a few seconds, and he smiles when Vanya calls out his name, but his hands are shaking and Five knows that he’s been thinking it too. 

They killed people before in the name of a greater good. 

But even if Five would consider going through with this, they know that the others would never agree. Shared childhood trauma connects, no matter how long you haven’t seen each other. And really, would Five even want to be alive knowing they killed one of their sisters? They’ve done bad things but the line has to be drawn somewhere and they’d like to keep the meager rest of humanity they’d scraped together over the years, the only treasure they aren’t willing to give away. 

Well, alongside Delores, anyway. 

Five misses Delores, they really do. But part of being invisible to everyone entails not going around town stealing mannequins from shops. Besides, they aren’t even sure if Delores has been manufactured yet. 

And isn’t that another weird thought? Existing at a time where your other half isn't even ‘born’ yet so to say, after years of always being around them. 

People are loud and overwhelming and it’s a lot of work to be in contact with them. Sometimes Five doesn’t say anything and just let’s it all wash over them, focussing on their own thoughts because otherwise they may have to yell to get it all out of their system. They like being with Vanya best, mostly because she’s always taken by surprise when Five talks to her and encourages her to tell them about whatever she’s thinking or whatever interests her. Five supposes she isn’t used to being the center of attention. 

Ben also gets it, which has a lot less to do with being trapped in the end times and more with coming back from the dead. He seems to forget that he’s there sometimes, _really_ there and that people can  _ see _ him and Five has watched Ben flinch when people have addressed him unexpectedly, the slightest twitch in his shoulders and the way he lowers his head before smiling wide and cracking a joke. 

Five would like to know if Ben thinks a lot about what it felt like to die, if he can still feel it, they way he hit the ground. There’s no statue any- _yet_ , but Ben still looks at the spot from time to time and Five knows that’s where he landed without having to ask. It’s another thing they don’t talk about. 

They don’t talk about much really, other than what to do now and how to deal with Vanya. 

Five is about to go back to her, when they can see something move out of the corner of their eyes. They whip around, ready to defend themselves and exactly like any trained assassin would, land flat on their ass instead. 

“Jesus, Diego! Didn’t Grace teach you better than to sneak up on people like that?” 

Diego smirks but then crosses his arms, looking at Five sharply. Five looks back, not interested in deciphering Diego’s face when he is perfectly capable of voicing his thoughts. At least Allison always carried a notebook with her, not like this man child. 

There’s some more silence between them, Diego trying to do more face acrobacy and Five still resolutely refusing to help him out even the slightest bit, before Diego sighs, hanging his head low. 

“Muh-Mum” Diego pinches his nose with two fingers and swallows, and the action is way too grown up for this little boy with his shoulders nearly drawn up to his ears. Five decides to be a little shit anyway. 

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t quite understand you. Would you mind repeating that?”

For a second, Diego looks like he’s just gonna turn around and leave Five standing there, shit-eating grin in place, but instead he actually does as Five asks. 

“It...It’s…..It’s Muh-Mum. Nuh-Not Gra-Grace….not Grace.” Five doesn’t remember Diego’s stutter ever being that bad, not even when he was throwing a tantrum - which he rarely ever did -, with his head all reddish and snot running down his face. 

“Shit, you’re all messed up, aren’t you?” And it’s gone, that pretense of being the same they always were, of not really caring about anyone else. Five has been doing that a lot, lately. Caring. And feeling remorse. And wanting to console people and all that shit, even though they aren’t sure how to go about that. 

Diego nods and he looks close to crying and Five wants to take it all back because, holy shit they aren’t even remotely ready to handle crying and vulnerable human beings, whoever left them in charge of emotions and making someone feel better? They are about to steer Diego in the direction of Allison with an awkward pat on the back and flee the crime scene of salt and sadness but Diego is already furiously rubbing at his eyes. 

Thank fuck, Five couldn’t have taken that. They still try a weak “It’s okay buddy,” but Diego just gives them a  _ look _ and they backtrack immediately. “Not that anything’s wrong, clearly you have it all figured out, don’t you? I must’ve dreamed up the fact that you’re currently a stuttering mess. My apologies.”

And hey, being mean seems to work better because Diego actually walks past Five and sits down at the windowsill and his whole posture screams ‘ _ I’m gonna pour out my heart to you now, whether you want to or not’ _ . Five sinks down onto the nearest surface - looks like it’s a table with a cloak draped over it, an afterthought of care in the middle of this mess - and prays that this won’t go into crying territory again. 

“Look, if you’re about to reveal all your deepest darkest fears to me, I have you know that I A. Read your diary when I was still around and I can assure you that if you make it a point of not going into the ocean, you will be relatively safe from anything lurking down there and B. Do you really think that the one person who doesn’t know jackshit about intrapersonal skills due to being stuck in the apocalypse is really the right person to talk to? Shouldn’t I go get Klaus?”

Diego shoots them another  _ look _ and Five shuts up again. For the first time in a long while, they feel like they actually fit their body, all helpless and clueless and that is not a good thought. However, it’s Diego’s turn on having a meltdown right now, so Five shoves the thought aside. 

“It-It...It’s this buh-buh-It’s this-this body.” Diego doesn’t elaborate further but Five understands. They can see the signs. Before, Five would’ve loved nothing more than to vanish most days, or be able to leave this body, be free of it all, of being trapped. Some days were better than others but really, most days were utter shit. 

“You hate it,” they state, matter-of-factly, and Diego nods. 

There’s more silence stretching between them but Five doesn’t enjoy it as much. Diego is looking out the window but it’s obvious his thoughts are somewhere else. Five guesses now that he made his confession, it’s Five’s turn to say something, to try their hand at consolation. 

“I understand,” is what comes out, far quieter than intended and way closer to the truth than Five ever thought going. But Diego doesn’t share their awe at opening up, only scoffs. Five knows what he’s thinking.  _ ‘How would you know? How could you possibly understand what I’m going through?’ _

And it’s easy, really. “It’s not like you’re the only one in this situation, you know? I’ve been trapped in this body since I came-,” but that’s where Five stops. They could go on, complaining about living like this, a grown-up being belittled and side-lined constantly, only because time travel is a bitch. But-

But it wouldn’t be the truth. Not the whole truth anyway. 

So he starts again, quieter this time, softer. “I understand you. Really, I do. You wake up in the morning and you get up and maybe you don’t notice it at first, too tired and too caught up in your head. And sometimes you don’t even notice for a whole hour or even two and just go about your business. But that’s not gonna last. When the moment comes - and trust me, it will come - it’s like you’ve just gotten punched in the face. It’s like one moment you were walking on clouds and the next you’re on the ground again and there’s a weight on your shoulder that no one else can see. But you can  _ feel  _ it. It’s there and it’s dragging you down. And you can’t change a damn thing about that, just go on with your life and wish you weren’t what you are and hope you could just stay clueless for longer tomorrow.” 

It’s a lot more than they said in a long time and it’s definitely more than they planned on saying at all. Diego is staring at the side of Five’s face and Five thinks that if anyone were to start crying right now, it would probably be them. 

“You-You-You always fuh-feel like thi-like this?” Diego is whispering and the hushed tone only makes Five’s throat hurt even more and their eyes sting. They rub at their face but Diego takes their hands and squeezes them and Five’s sight is blurring because they sure as hell can’t stop the tears now. 

“Y-Yeah,” their voice is cracking and suddenly the roles are reversed. Five would laugh if they weren’t crying. “It’s funny, you know? Once we stop Vanya from eradicating planet earth, we’ll go back to the future. And all of you will go back to your normal bodies. And you will feel good about yourselves again, you’ll feel like you are finally  _ you  _ again and you will gladly forget about all this. But me? I will never-,” Five closes their eyes, and they don’t wanna talk anymore, they wanna curl up beside Vanya and forget this whole conversation ever happened. But they already came this far and Diego is still holding their hands and if they don’t say it now, they will never say it. 

“I will never feel like myself. I’ll never….I’ll never feel like this is my body, or at least like this body is what matches my mind. No matter if it’s my 13-year old body or my 58-year old body. There wasn’t a day in my life when the weights weren’t there.”

And then Five is full on sobbing and it should be embarrassing but Diego is letting their hands go to hug them and Five ends up crying into his shirt and somehow that makes it better and worse at the same time. 

Diego is rubbing up and down their back and Five is sure he’s also making shushing noises, but they can’t hear him with all the blood rushing in their eyes and the sobs that are still wrecking through their fucked up body. 

They stay like this for a long time.

Until Five doesn’t shiver violently anymore, until their tears are mostly dried and they start to feel bad about the fact that they are smearing their snot all over Diego's shirt. Five leans back and looks up at him.  


“Hey,” is all Diego says and he smiles at Five, so Five tries their best to smile back. But then they realize what just happened and they let go of Diego’s arms and scoot away some, suddenly self-conscious. Diego squeezes their shoulder before letting go. 

“Let’s just not talk about this. Ever.” Five resolutely avoids looking at Diego and moves around, not sure if they should stand up or not. “I do apologize for this entirely inappropriate outbreak though. It's obviously better to forget about it."  


 

“What-Whatever, Whatever you say, Five.” Diego sounds amused and he reaches out for Five again, but Five moves back, dodging Diego's hand. All the while still not looking at him. Diego must’ve sensed that Five was closing off again - something even Five knew was inevitable, really - because he stands up and makes a few steps towards the door, before turning around again. “You know, you duh-did he-help muh-me a lot. Thanks. And thank-thank you for op-opening up about this.”

That makes Five smile. Only a little bit though. They look up at Diego and give him short thumbs up, a gesture that is meant to be sarcastic but somehow fels way more genuine than intended. Diego smiles, a bright, honest smile. He heads towards the door again, but stops right before reaching it. 

“May-Maybe you should-, you should talk to Klaus about-, about this? I think he could-, he could help.” And with that, he’s gone, leaving Five with a sore throat and eyes that are starting to hurt. Not to mention the snot that is currently drying on their lips, a disgusting feeling.  


Five stares after him. 

Why the fuck should they talk to Klaus?

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, why should they talk to Klaus? 
> 
> (I'm basing all the dysphoria talk on my own experience so I'm sorry if it's not well explained or anything? I mostly use this to project onto Five. Also don't worry, Five WILL feel better at some point). 
> 
> As always, pls consider giving me some feedback, especially if you have any stuff you would like me to include in this series (I have a lot of ideas) and visit me on tumblr (I'm b-rainlet over there), if you wanna yell about nb Five or tua in general!


End file.
